I started this page when I felt like I was in a pretty good place with my body. I was physically fit, eating well (and eating enough) and perhaps most significantly- I wasn’t drinking. As I took a much-needed hiatus from alcohol, I began to seek out dopamine in other forms. Namely, adrenaline.
I wanted to put partying on hold to focus on my body and physical fitness. That being said, I still felt like I needed some outlet for healthy chaos in my life and I chose to make another attempt at getting back into skating. I dusted off the old limited edition Blood Wizard skateboard that I dragged across the country, laced up my Vans, stepped back on my board, bent my knees, and gave it a good push. I felt the vibrations from the wheels bouncing on the pavement pulse through my feet. I was back.
But it didn’t last.
About a month ago, I was skating to my subway station to get to work, and I rolled over a patch of black ice and my board slid out from under me. I ended up on my feet with my board just a few feet away. But this graceful landing came at the expense of my right knee, which had to take a lot of weight and pressure as I stumbled off. I brushed it off and went to work. My knee felt a little sore, but I was looking forward to a ski trip in California with my best friends two days later and I definitely wasn’t ready to cancel.
The day I arrived in Tahoe, a perfect snowstorm brought the first snow the area had seen in 6 weeks. Accordingly, the roads froze over, and I slid out on the ice for the second time this week, only this time I was sliding into an intersection at a red light in a 3800 pound metal death machine aka my dad’s Subaru outback that I borrowed without checking to see that the traction on the tires had been completely run down. I was fine though. I had the tires replaced and got to enjoy the fresh snow for the next few days.
All this time I was over-functioning on my sensitive knee, eventually leading to a minor tear in my meniscus. Although the injury is small, I've been abruptly forced to adjust and accommodate my lifestyle around my knee pain. I work on my feet at a restaurant in New York City and I don't have a car because I'm used to walking everywhere. I spent about a week and a half on crutches with my knee immobilized, waiting for MRI results and medical advice. Thankfully, I won't need surgery and I can walk and eventually make a full recovery with physical therapy. For now, I'm unable to do my job properly, as it requires many hours on my feet and very minimal opportunity to RICE (Rest, Ice, Compression, Elevate). To make matters more difficult, I am also unable to begin physical therapy just yet due to insurance issues.
In an effort to move around a little bit and indulge in a little retail therapy, I went to buy some new pants to comfortably fit over my knee brace, not realizing I had gone up a size.
The lack of exercise due to resting the injury and the measurement of my waist was enough to trigger an episode of my eating disorder. I began to neglect my body's needs and ignore my appetite, which was already pretty minimal with all of the nothing that I was doing all day, rotting away in my bed yet again. But I'm slowly coming back, giving my body food is the only way that I will have the energy to heal myself. So I will be kind to myself as I attempt to heal. In the upcoming days, I will continue to share my progress and tips for dealing with an ED relapse as I navigate through these waters myself.